Mount Eyjafjallajökull

A virtual unknown a fortnight ago, Iceland’s Got Talent winner Mount E is now a Subo-style global superstar. Its forte? Spewing out toxic bile and effectively sealing our borders in a way the BNP can only dream of. Not only has its ash cloud prevented Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber, Adam Lambert and a rash of irritants from invading these shores, the drone of planes overhead and tea-bag-tanned barrage balloon Katie Price announcing her latest ‘exclusive’ have been silenced - Jordan stuck in Egypt. If only we could make them erupt on command when media hogs such as the Geldofs,  the Osbournes and the Beckhams are out of the country, Mount E and its backing band, the Volcanoes, could have serious potential. Time to revisit Jon Ronson’s book The Men Who Stare At Goats for pointers? 

Amanda Holden

Is there no end to Holden’s talent? The question is rhetorical. I mean, did you witness her jaw-dropping turn on BBC flop, Big Top? Now the multi-faceted TV fixture talks of releasing a country album, telling one interviewer she enjoys singing in a Southern belle accent. Her stage turn as Thoroughly Modern Millie may have garnered kind reviews but, somehow, I’m guessing Holden’s plans will have Patsy Cline spinning in her grave. But isn’t it a rule of country music that you must suffer for your art? Enduring Simon Cowell, Piers Morgan or a face full of Botox needles in the past doesn’t quite compare with Tammy Wynette’s epic heartbreak. What songs to cover? Tammy’s Stand By Your Man dedicated to cuckolded ex-hubby, Les Dennis? Amanda’s performances on Britain’s Got Talent do have something of the Dolly about them, however. Parton? No, the Dolly I’m reminded of is Tiny Tears. 

Coolio

So far off-radar has Coolio slipped since Gangsta’s Paradise, it seems the chap couldn’t get himself arrested these days. Literally, in the case of his brush with the LA law this week. When Coolio failed to attend court as his probation order demanded, a judge issued a warrant of $10,000 - loose change to more successful rappers who’d spend fifty times that on bubbly to fill their bath-tubs - to apprehend the substance abuser. You may recall Coolio was arrested in possession of crack cocaine, understandably, some felt, shortly after his incarceration in the Big Brother house with ghastly, gobs****s Tina Malone, Terry Christian and Michelle Heaton. Having presumably studied mug shots to jog their memories, LA’s finest still failed to finger their target. To the relief of his fan(s?), the dude eventually turned himself in. Maybe he needed to remember what it feels like to be a wanted man for the first time since, oh, 1995?