Fergie

Welcome to the world of Fergie

Poor Sarah Ferguson is so broke - I use her commoner’s name on the assumption that Brenda and Phil will by now have had her stripped of the HRH bit, shackled in the Tower for crimes against the royal we - the ‘complete aristocrat’ is reduced to peddling dodgy cash for access deals. Boo hoo! But in my (bank)book, ‘not having a (Fabergé?) pot to p*** in’ doesn’t allow for a jolly to Naomi Campbell’s 40th birthday bash in Antibes. If only she were more like her hardworking ex, the industrious trade ambassador, obviously, not the joyrider duke of popular myth accused of flagging down jets and helicopters like they’re cabs for hire at our expense. How about Hollywood? Produce a warts-and-all sequel to The Queen giving us the real filth on the Windsors. You could pocket the leading lady’s fee too, playing your old toe-sucking self and wouldn’t Maxwell Caulfield make an ace Air Miles Andy? Box office gold. Future, sorted!