Myleene Klass

Replacing snow as national obsession, the controversy surrounding Myleene’s ticking-off by the Old Bill rages on with Mr. Cameron adding his two penn’orth to the debate. The scenario goes something like this: Middle Britain’s sweetheart is home alone practicing her scales, dreaming about what fabulous career to pursue next and preparing a meal - not just any meal  but an M&S meal, one imagines - when she spots two menacing figures lurking in her idyllic Home Counties garden. ‘Be off with you, you scally-wags!’ she exclaims, instinctively grabbing a kitchen knife to wave at the rapscallions. Wrong move!  Nowadays, the law decrees that intruders be met with an invitation to afternoon tea and a preview of Ms Klass’s thrilling new light entertainment, Pop Star to Opera Star, in which Danny from McFly and Bernie Nolan tussle with Tosca. This, rather than brandishing a well-polished Sabatier, is how to send potential rapists/ murders screaming for the hills in Gord’s promised land, apparently.